in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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