I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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