Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
