sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
