Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
