He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
