So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
