I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
