ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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