I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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