I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
