if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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