Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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