i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
