the condom got lost in my hair
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
operation have a gay friend backfired
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
