My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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