i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm at about main and main street
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
