My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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