dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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