i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
