Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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