you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I want to make a zoo with you.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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