im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i've created a new STD.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
