In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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