I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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