Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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