Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Enjoy the penises
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
