you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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