Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
