dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I wish i was in the wii world.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
