you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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