haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
