So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
