Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
