so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
