I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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