Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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