I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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