apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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