First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
