My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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