So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
