So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
