i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
