My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
