I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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