OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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