Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
