Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
