If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
