Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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