mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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