Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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