remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
