Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
