Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
