I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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