I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
