Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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