I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
