Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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