I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
