you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
